Motherhood to Me...

Isn't it funny how before you have kids, how absolutely clueless and selfish you are?

You never realize it until the day you have a baby.

Your oblivious to how carefree, stress and worry free you really are until you become a Parent.

Even with stresses in your young adult life, nothing compares to the day you become a Parent. Nothing.

At least that's my experience.

The day I became a Mom I didn't realize that I was going to be terrified beyond belief. Olivia Anne had been tucked safely inside of me, gently wriggling around in there, snug as a bug. A safe bug.

I was euphoric being pregnant, happy as a clam, in my element.
I felt complete.

Then it was time for her to come out. But she didn't want to come out. A week past her due date and me slowly growing wider than I was tall, she was happy where she was. They finally coaxed her out with many hours of pushing on my part and a suction.

A screaming ball of red-headed fury, pudgy faced and amazing.

It was love at first sight.

But within 4 hours of her birth....the terror hit me.

I couldn't sleep for 3 solid nights.

She was snug as a bug inside of me but now I would have to protect her on the outside, nurture her on the outside. It felt totally overwhelmed, everything was terrifying and foreign.
How would I take on this great feat without putting her in a bubble?

What if, what if, what if, was all I kept thinking about day and night.

My Mom was with us for the first week.

It was a Godsend.

She kept telling me I needed to sleep. But I couldn't. I would lay in bed next to my newborn worrying about all those newborn worries.

The first night home my sweet, cozy, ball of brand newness wouldn't stop crying, which of course made me cry, made my Husband scared, it all felt...terrifying.

I kept thinking Oh no, Oh no, I'm not going to be able to do this am I? I'm not qualified am I? Somebody should have made me take a test before hand.

And more crying from her and Me.

Then my Mom took Olivia. She spent hours humming and rocking her in the next room. And her little self quieted and she fell asleep on my Mom's shoulder.

I couldn't figure out why all the crying with Me. I'm her Mom for goodness sakes.

(Hello...earth to Susie...new baby...they all cry....sometimes a lot...) but of course I took it as a sign that the new, sweet bundle didn't like me. (sleep deprivation will do that to ya.)  I even whispered that to Matt in the night through my sobs. He assured me that it wasn't the case.

I finally fell asleep. 3 hours. Peace. 

A new Woman.

When I woke I was in a panic. I ripped out of the room looking for my baby who was not in her cradle.

Of course all was good, she was with her Daddy and Nana.

Happy and alert and not crying.

The worry was gone, the sleep, albeit short, had quelled some of the terror (although you never ever stop worrying, not even for a minute). I realized that I am not alone in this quest protect and calm this little baby. I had back-up. The best back-up. My Husband and my Mom.

Nothing like sleep and Dumpling Soup to set you straight.

and of course...I became a Mommy.

The best gift I have ever been given.

The toughest job I have ever had.

The most Love I have ever felt.

In my element, being who I always wanted to be.

A Mom.

Motherhood to me...

It has meant wearing my heart on the outside of my body. It really feels like that some days. Shocking how much you feel when you become a Mother isn't it? The word Emotions doesn't do justice to what you feel.

You hold your breath when they weeble and wobble across the floor as they learn to walk. You hold your breath when they let go of your hand for the first time and start their road to Independence. You hold your breath when they take the soccer field or the stage for a first game or recital. And I will be holding my breath the day they walk out my front door to start life on their own.

You spend your days holding your breath.

Hoping and Praying that they stay protected in an ever changing world. Hoping and Praying that you are making the right decisions for them even though you will inevitably make some wrong decisions for them over time. You Hope and Pray, Pray, Pray that they stay Healthy, Healthy, Healthy and Safe.

The day to day of Mothering is cooking endless meals, doing endless dishes, and endless laundry, playing endless games, resolving endless arguments, feeling endlessly guilty about having to work, it's endless and the list goes on.

And our reward for these tasks are the endless smiles, the endless giggles, the endless kisses and hugs, the endless cuddles, the endless pride, the endless love, and those sweet faces.

Thank You Olivia and Abigail for making me a Mommy.

Thank You to my own Mama for taking care of Me and Loving Me through the ups and downs.

I love you more than words.

Thank You for being an incredible Nana to my wee ones. You are Loved.

Thank You to MaryAnn for always loving Me and supporting Me and being Mother figure to Me and an amazing Grammy to our Girls.

We love you more than words.

And Thank You to all of the Mother figures I have had through my life. In one way or another you helped shape who I am as Mother.

The Pam's, the Mary's, The Morgan's, The Angie's....I love you more than words.

And to all of my Girls who are going through this journey of Motherhood with Me. Who help me to navigate through the sometimes murky waters of Parenthood, who give me a shoulder to lean on, advice, support, laughs and cries, I love you more than words.

Happy Mother's Day.